Chapter 1: Unified Metaphysical Pineapple Theory


(Reposted from Kickstarter)

Project History

On September 24th 2014 C.E., Subaltern Games launched a Kickstarter for its second game, No Pineapple Left Behind. Many key scholars praised the campaign.

Konstantinos Dimopoulos of Indiegames: “This, apparently, will indeed be a bitingly funny and viciously satirical game, but also, and that’s me judging based on the previous offerings of Subaltern Games, a great strategy/management game.”

Benjamin Herold of EdWeek: “[This] Satirical video game skewers NCLB, charter schools, [and] testing”

Fraser Brown of PCGamesN: “It’s lovely, satirical weirdness and all sounds a bit bonkers.”

The Era of the Televiser

Meanwhile, development on the game continued. Subaltern Games improved the A.I. of the game, allowing students and teachers alike to plan schedules across multiple weeks.

The Televiser was the second magic spell implemented in the game; a rough protoype was completed on September 28th, 2014 C.E. It symbolized a teacher showing the students a movie; unlike most other spells, it had almost no effect, positive or negative. It was best used when teachers were very tired.

Initial concept art for the Televiser involved a projector:spellcasting1

However, Subaltern Games realized that they did not have an art assets for a projector. Instead, they decided that the projector should be located in the teacher’s mouth. Below, a modern in-game screenshot:

televiser screenshot

Time of Troubles?

By October 1st, 2014 C.E., the Kickstarter campaign had encountered numerousproblems. With only $5,238 raised out of $35,000, it had a long way to go until its success. Therefore, Subaltern Games implored its backers to continue to spread the word via Facebook, Twitter, and tall buildings with a megaphone.

Why Pineapples?

Throughout history, many people have asked why No Pineapple Left Behind is about pineapples. The question was first proposed by Giordano Bruno, a late sixteenth century philosopher who suggested that pineapples might represent a primitive form of Man; for this, and other reasons, he was executed by the Church in 1600.

Police sketch artist rendition of the heretic

Police sketch artist rendition of the heretic

The question continued to haunt visionaries until the early twenty-first century, when a fledgling tech startup in Boston, MA proposed the Unified Metaphysical Pineapple Theory. Essentially a refining of Bruno’s mediocre ramblings, U.M.P.T. contained two key postulates:

  • That pineapples are a metaphor for children that are treated by adults as mere statistics in a larger institution (such as a school)
  • That pineapples are a reference to a question on the New York StateRegents test of 2012 C.E.

Many academics dispute the validity of U.M.P.T.; in particular, it is noted that 2012 occurred long Bruno was burned at the stake.

Below, a video of America’s top historians and scientists debate the question:

Key Vocab Words

Giordano Bruno: A sixteenth-century hack.

Metaphor: A dangerous literary device. Do not attempt to use a metaphor unless properly supervised.

No Pineapple Left Behind: An early 20th century polar expedition.

Problems: Features.

Regents: Alchemical agents that can be mixed together to create gold.

Televiser: A beautiful and valid life decision.

Unified Metaphysical Pineapple Theory: A feeble attempt to get grant money.

Study Questions

Please answer the questions to the best of your ability. Your teacher will collect your answers at the end of class.

How can you help the Kickstarter?

A) Pledge money

B) Spread the word

C) Hide in a dark room and don’t talk to anyone

D) Both A and B

When did Suleiman the Magnificent sack Constantinople?

A) 1066

B) 1453

C) 2016

D) As a non-Turk, this is not, strictly speaking, my business

What causes Empires to fall?

A) Social factors

B) Economic factors

C) Political factors

D) All of the above

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