Sugarcane

"Hi!" you say.\n\n"AN INSULT!" the black knight shouts. "Prepare to die!"\n\nHe draws his DARK SWORD OF DOOM.\n\n[[Run|run_knight]]\n[[Use sword|sword_knight]]

He doesn't like that name. He KILLS YOU.\n\n[[Back|Talk]]

Ninjas don't have friends. Ever. They KILL YOU.\n\n[[Back|Leave inn]]

You get really tired and sit down to rest.\n\nAll of a sudden, 10,000 orcs come out of nowhere. They can smell tiredness from a mile off. Damn orcs.\n\n[[Run|run_orcs]]\n[[Use sword|sword_orcs]]\n[[Cry|cry_orcs]]

You've got to be kidding me.\n\nYou die a slow, painful death. Somehow.\n\n[[Back|sword_steal]]

Orcs aren't scared of spells. Hell, they're not scared of anything.\n\nBut they do get mad. And you just threatened the orc, so now he's REAL mad.\n\nHe swings his axe and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|All of them?]]

"Really?" the orc says. "Then how'd you cast that spell?"\n\n[[Er... Magic?|magic_orc]]\n[[The way orcs cast spells|magic_orc]]

You search for Chuck the Wizard for many days and nights, but to no avail.\n\nOne day, you come across Chucktown, the birthplace of Chuck.\n\nYou find Chuck's old house, now a tourist site. His mother still lives there.\n\n[[Talk to mother]]\n[[Kill tourists]]\n[[Kill mother]]

[data-tags~=die] {\ncolor:red;\n}

You mow down the tourists with the Ninja Deathray.\n\n"Thanks!" Chuck's mom shouts. "They were Chuck's old college buddies and I didn't like them much. For a reward, you can take something."\n\nShe opens up a bag and takes out a yo-yo, John Kerry, and a gopher.\n\n"Take one," she explains.\n\n[[Take yo-yo]]\n[[Take John Kerry]]\n[[Take gopher]]

Curiosity is a virtue and apathy is not.\n\nOr so the Code of Ninjas says. Ninjas take the Code very, very seriously.\n\nSo when the ninjas realize that you don't care about something, they KILL YOU.\n\n[[Back|OK]]

You should learn more orcology. 'Cause then you'd know that orcs ARE aliens.\n\nThis orc knows that his orcbuddies didn't make you kill them.\n\nHe shouts some orcswears and slices you in half with his axe. You DIE.\n\n[[Back|All of them?]]

A herd of buffalo come out of the door and trample you until you DIE.\n\n[[Back|ninja_citadel]]

You take his SWORD.\n\n"Hey!" the innkeeper says. "Are you stealing that?"\n\n[[Yes|yes_steal]]\n[[No|no_steal]]\n[[Use sword|sword_steal]]

You open the door and see a dragon.\n\nIt hasn't had anything to eat in three weeks.\n\nYou DIE a split second later.\n\n[[Back|ninja_citadel]]

The food is infected with E. Coli. You get food poisoned and DIE.\n\n[[Back|Read]]

Fact: orcs dissolve in saltwater.\n\nWhen they come up to slash you, they get teardrops all over them.\n\nEventually, all of the orcs dissolve into orcslime.\n\n[[All of them?]]\n[[Get treasure]]

You fire the Ninja Deathray at everything that moves and most things that don't. \n\nThe citadel shudders, and the ceilings and walls start to crash down.\n\nFortunately, you seem to be standing in a magical Protection Sector so you're okay.\n\nYou open your eyes after the dust has cleared...\n\n[[Continue|continue_sector]]

"Yay!" Dmitri says happily. "Now we can be best buddies! Since we're friends, I can help you on your epic quest."\n\nYou ask if he knows where Chuck the Wizard is.\n\n"Of course!" Dmitri says. "I can take you to him."\n\n[[No way. It's a trap.]]\n[[Lead the way...]]

The innkeeper says, "Oh, OK," and you leave the inn.\n\nAs soon as you step outside, you see a BLACK KNIGHT.\n\n[[Talk|talk_knight]]\n[[Use sword|sword_knight]]\n[[Run|run_knight]]

"Oh," he says. "I suppose that makes sense. And since you're an orc, we can be orcbuddies!"\n\n***The following is a later addition because I never finished this\n\nThe orc, whose name you never learn, takes you his favorite inn. But along the journey you are waylaid by rogues and vagabonds and the orc is killed. Undaunted, you go to the inn.\n\n[[Enter inn|Rest]]

Perhaps you didn't read it right, but the guards had LONG pointy spears.\n\nYour sword, as mighty as it is, is SHORTER.\n\nSo when you draw your sword and charge, you can't even get close to them.\n\nAnd then you can't even move at all because you're DEAD.\n\n[[Back|Enter citadel]]

The Epic of Joe

Dmitri leads you across icy mountains and haunted forests and whatnot. Once you've done all that, he turns around and takes you to CHUCK'S CITADEL.\n\n[[Enter citadel]]\n[[Use Uber-Spell|uber_spell_dmitri_citadel]]

You sleep until the ninjas kick you awake.\n\nThey take you out of the bag and hand you some food.\n\n"Eat," the first ninja says. \n\n[[Eat|ninja_eat]]\n[[Escape]]\n[[Attack ninjas]]\n[[Use food]]

CHUCK THE WIZARD is standing right in front of you.\n\n"WHO ARE YOU?" he booms. "AND WHY DID YOU JUST BLOW UP MY EVIL CITADEL?"\n\n[[Blame the guards]]\n[[Use Uber-Spell|uber_chuck_ninja]]

Turns out that magic armor acts sorta like a lightning rod for the Uber-Spell.\n\nChuck's body turns into anti-matter and is utterly destroyed in a catastrophic explosion. \n\nThe blast knocks you out of the citadel right before it collapses.\n\nLucky you.\n\nThen you go home and have fun slashing stuff with your sword.\n\n[[I won!]]

Never trust ninjas.\n\nLast night, they got bored and decided to poison your food for the hell of it.\n\nYou DIE slowly and painfully.\n\n[[Back|Keep sleeping]]

He says, "Hello, valiant traveler. What is your name?"\n\n[[I don't know...]]\n[[Joe]]\n[[Barney]]\n[[None of your business]]\n

You have a weird dream. In your dream, your long-lost father says: "When you get to Chuck's Mom's House, take the gopher."\n\n[[OK]]\n[[Keep sleeping]]

Really? You're not confused at all? I mean, what does he mean by a GOPHER?\n\n[[Yeah... I guess that did sound a little weird.]]\n[[I understand. And if I don't, I don't care.]]

As you run away, he swings his DARK SWORD OF DOOM.\n\nA railgun bolt shoots out of it and hits you. You DIE.\n\n[[Back|leave_knight]]

"Good choice," Chuck's mom says. "Between you and me, I hate Chuck's new job as a wizard. Take the gopher to Chuck's Citadel and defeat him."\n\n[[Continue|continue_gopher]]

You stop off at an inn.\n\nAs you step in, a random guy comes up to you. \n\nHe says, "My name is Fred. Let's duel."\n\n[[Wha...]]\n[[Duel]]\n[[Ignore|ignore_fred]]

You don't have one.\n\n[[Oh, never mind|give_up_orcs]]\n[[Cast a spell|spell_orcs]]

Well, I don't get it either. Just do what he says...\n\nYou sleep until the ninjas kick you awake. They take you out of the bag and hand you some food. \n\n"Eat," the first ninja says.\n\n[[Escape]]\n[[Attack ninjas]]\n[[Eat|ninja_eat]]\n[[Use food]]

Nice going. You were supposed to save that for the wizard Chuck, remember?\n\nThe ninjas explode, but the blast engulfs you too and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Leave inn]]

I hope you're joking.\n\n[[Heh heh. Silly me.|Keep sleeping]]\n[[No. I mean it. I hate ninjas.]]

As you're dancing, you step on a rusty nail.\n\nYou get tetanus and DIE.\n\n[[Back|spell_orcs]]

Fred gets impatient and walks away. \n\n"Maybe some other time," he says.\n\nThe inkeeper asks what you want.\n\n[[A room to sleep in]]\n[[Food]]\n

"Good choice," Chuck's mom says menacingly. "Between you and me, I hate Chuck's new job as a wizard. Take John Kerry to Chuck's Citadel and defeat him."\n\n[[Continue|continue_kerry]]

"Really?" the second ninja says. "That's too bad. We have to kill you now."\n\n[[Become friends|ninja_friends]]\n[[User Uber-Spell|ninja_uber]]

Don't you know what happens to valiant travelers who are rude to wizards?\n\nThe wizard summons a lightning bolt and YOU DIE.\n\n[[Back|Talk]]

You fling the magical bat at the guards. "NO!" one of the guards cries. "Not Dmitri!"\n\nDmitri explodes in a fireball and kills them.\n\nYou step over their charred remains and walk into the citadel.\n\n[[Enter Citadel]]

The innkeeper is actually a dragon in disguise.\n\nHe breathes fire and KILLS YOU for stealing.\n\n[[Back|Take stuff]]

In your dream, Fred sucks out your soul.\n\nWhen you wake up, you find out that it was actually real.\n\nYou wander around for a while and DIE.\n\n[[Back|Dream]]

You go to the room and sleep.\n\n[[zzz]]\n[[Dream]]

He says, "Hello, Joe. What are you doing?"\n\n[[Questing.|broken]]\n[[Walking.|broken]]

You swing your sword at the knight, but he vanishes into thin air.\n\nIn his place is a small bat.\n\n"My name is Dmitri," it says. "Chuck the Wizard told me you'd be here."\n\n[[Ask how can it talk]]\n[[Kill Dmitri]]\n[[Take Dark Sword of Doom]]

You go to Chuck's Citadel. There's two guards there.\n\n"Hey," the first guard says. "What's that in the bag?"\n\nYou pull out John Kerry.\n\n"I HATE JOHN KERRY!" the second guard cries.\n\nThey stab you with their spears and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Talk to mother]]

With what?\n\n[[Honor]]\n[[Sword]]

Fred sneaks up on you in the middle of the night.\n\nHe stabs you and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|A room to sleep in]]

Two guards stop you at the gate. They have long pointy spears.\n\n[[Ask if you can be friends|friends_guards]]\n[[Use sword|sword_guards]]\n[[Use Dmitri|dmitri_guards]]

That's not nice. He summons an earthquake and KILLS YOU.\n\n[[Back|Walk]]

***The following is a later addition to the story because I never finished it\n\n"Joe?" the wizard exclaims. "Then what are you doing HERE?"\n\nThere is a flash of light. You are teleported to an inn.\n\n[[Enter inn|Rest]]

Turns out there's one that survived. He's already upset because you killed all of his friends. But now you're trying to take his treasure. That's even worse.\n\nHe bites you. The bite wound gets infected and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Keep Questing]]

Fred eats your honor. You DIE of shame.\n\n[[Back|Duel]]

Well, I hate YOU. So there.\n\nYou DIE.\n\n[[Back|Attack ninjas]]

"I'm a magical bat," Dmitri says. "I live to kill valiant adventurers like you. 'Cause I can summon firedragons."\n\n[[Crap]]\n[[Kill Dmitri]]\n[[Ask if you can be friends]]

You fire your Ninja Deathray, but it merely bounces off Chuck's mom.\n"HOW DARE YOU FIRE A NINJA DEATHRAY AT THE EMPRESS OF CHAOS!!!" she roars.\n\nYou realize that since her son IS a dark wizard, that does makes sense.\n\nYour last thought is: "I should've known better." Then you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Go look for Chuck the Wizard]]

How the hell did you do that? Did you try every possible option or something?\n\nWell, all of that work paid off. I guess.\n\nThanks for playing...

"You're a quester?" the orc snarls. "I hate questers!"\n\nYou try to explain that you're pretty sure 'quester' isn't actually a word. But then you can't because there is an orc axe in your forehead. You DIE.\n\n[[Back|All of them?]]

Never try to escape from ninjas.\n\nThey throw ninja-stars at you and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|yes_uber_ninja]]

As soon as you pick up the DARK SWORD OF DOOM, it starts to glow red.\n\nYou drop it, accidentally triggering its self-destruct sequence.\n\nYou DIE in the explosion.\n\n[[Back|leave_knight]]

A duel, moron. Fred stabs you and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Rest]]

"Hi," you say.\n\n"What's the password?" Chuck's mom asks fearfully.\n\n"Err..." you answer.\n\n"Thank goodness!" Chuck's mom says in relief. "Here, take something."\n\nShe opens up a bag and takes out a yo-yo, John Kerry, and a gopher.\n\n"Take one," she explains.\n\n[[Take yo-yo]]\n[[Take John Kerry]]\n[[Take gopher]]

MORON. Why don't you listen to your dad once in a while? He told you to use the Uber-Spell to defeat Chuck.\n\nDid he say, "Oh, be sure to take the armor too"?\n\nNO. HE DIDN'T.\n\nIt's too late now though. As soon as you go for the armor, Chuck casts every evil spell in the book. But the time they're all done, the whole world is unfathomably corrupted and also you're beyond DEAD.\n\n[[Back|citadel_door_5]]

(This was my first video game. I made it in QuickBasic back in the day. I never finished it, but I filled in the gaps when I ported it to Twine. I apologize in advance if my 10th grade self comes across as an obnoxious teenager.)\n\nYour name is Joe. You're a guy who lives in a kingdom. One day you get bored. What do you do?\n\n[[Walk]]\n[[Epic Quest]]

You forget how to yo-yo, accidentally swallow and choke on it, and DIE.\n\n[[Back|Talk to mother]]

"Ah!" the second ninja says. "Master CHUCK will be most pleased!"\n\nThey stuff you in a big bag.\n\n[[Escape]]\n[[Go to sleep]]\n[[Get knocked around a lot]]

You mutter some words, and a big blue ball of energy appears.\n\nThen you remember that this is the wrong spell and say the *right* words.\n\nThere's a flash of light, and Chuck starts to glow.\n\n"NOOOOOOO!!!" he hollers. \n\nThen he explodes into a column of fire.\n\nYou leave the citadel and triumphantly return home to live in peace.\n\n[[I won!]]

Trick door. It explodes as soon as you grip the doorknob and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Enter Citadel]]

Actually, it is. Good call.\n\nYou are now standing in Chuck's EVIL INNER SANCTUM, or EIS for short.\n\nChuck is standing in the center of the room.\n\n"WHO ARE YOU?" he thunders.\n\n"I am Joe," you say. "The one who wields the Uber-Spell."\n\n"And you think your little spell can defeat me?" Chuck asks. "Just so you know, I have magic armor on. The spell will just bounce right off."\n\n[[Yeah, right. Use the spell.]]\n[[Take armor]]

Behind the door is Chuck's pet troll. It's bored, so it KILLS YOU.\n\n[[Back|Enter Citadel]]

Dmitri's soul was trapped behind that door.\n\nYou free it, but it turns out that's it's pissed about you killing its material body. It possesses you and devours your mind. You eventually DIE.\n\n[[Back|Enter Citadel]]

The door closes behind you. In front of you is a corridor and another door.\n\nWhen you open up that one, it closes behind you and there's another corridor.\n\nYou eventually figure out it's a sort of infinite loop.\n\nEventually you starve and DIE.\n\n[[Back|Enter Citadel]]

Uh, your dad told you to use the Uber-Spell. Remember?\n\nToo late now.\n\nChuck knows that the guards never lie but you do. He summons the powers of chaos and evil and KILLS YOU.\n\n[[Back|continue_sector]]

Dmitri explodes in a giant fireball and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|sword_knight]]

You can't 'cause it's just a dream.\n\nYour head explodes and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Follow]]

The doorway is actually a dimensional portal to hell. You fall into it, and demons eat your soul.\n\nAnd then you also DIE.\n\n[[Back|ninja_citadel]]

You stab the innkeeper and he dies. That's what swords are for, after all.\n\n[[Leave inn|leave_knight]]\n[[Eat innkeeper]]

You walk down the sidewalk. There's a wizard standing at the corner.\n\n[[Attack]]\n[[Talk]]\n[[Ignore]]

As soon as you step outside, you are ambushed by two ninjas.\n\nOne of them says, "We are looking for the one who knows the Uber-Spell. Do you know it?"\n\n[[Yes|yes_uber_ninja]]\n[[No|no_uber_ninja]]

Nope, sorry.\n\nThe doorway is on the edge of a cliff. You step outside and then fall to your DEATH.\n\n[[Back|ninja_citadel]]

You spent seven years learning the art of food-fighting.\n\nYou graduated as 'Codfish-Master'. \n\n[[Take stuff|ninja_take]]

Your long-lost father takes you to his house in Dreamland.\n\nHe unfurls a scroll and says, "Read."\n\n[[Read]]\n[[Attack long-lost father]]

You walk into the Citadel. There's thousands of doors. Chuck could be behind any of them.\n\n[[Open a door|ninja_door_1]]\n[[Open a door|ninja_door_2]]\n[[Open a door|ninja_door_3]]\n[[Or maybe it's this one?|ninja_door_4]]\n[[Screw it and use the Ninja Deathray|ninja_door_5]]

Dmitri gets a nice chuckle out of that. Then he summons a firedragon and it KILLS YOU.\n\n[[Back|Ask how can it talk]]

The orcs surround you with sharp, pointy objects. They eat you. You're DEAD.\n\n[[Back|Keep Questing]]

The wizard hates liars. He summons a dragon and KILLS YOU.\n\n[[Back|I don't know...]]

He shoots a fireball at you and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Walk]]

You don't have one.\n\n[[Err.. Never mind|ignore_fred]]\n[[Use it anyway]]

You journey to many distant lands and get tired.\n\n[[Rest]]\n[[Keep Questing]]

You didn't sleep enough. You DIE of exhaustion.\n\n[[Back|Dream]]

You find Fred lying on the floor of the inn.\n\nApparently, he left his physical body last night and became pure energy.\n\n[[Leave inn]]\n[[Take stuff]]

You go to Chuck's Citadel. There's two guards there.\n\n"Hey," the first guard says. "What's in the bag?"\n\nYou pull out the gopher.\n\n"Yay! A gopher!" the second guard cries.\n\n"You may enter," the first guard says.\n\n[[Enter Citadel|ninja_citadel]]

As soon as you step outside, you see a BLACK KNIGHT.\n\n[[Talk|talk_knight]]\n[[Use sword|sword_knight]]\n[[Run|run_knight]]

You eat a lot, get tired, and fall asleep at the table.\n\n[[zzz]]\n[[Dream]]

Nice try. Fred stabs you and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|Sword]]

You don't know much about orcs, do you.\n\nSee, unlike weak humans, orcs never get tired.\n\nNo matter how fast you run, you can never escape an orc.\n\nAnd you're already tired.\n\nThey eventually catch up and stab you. You DIE.\n\n[[Back|Keep Questing]]

You wield the food with utmost dexterity.\n\nThe ninjas are caught off guard, and you easily defeat them.\n\n[[Huh?]]\n[[Take stuff|ninja_take]]

sampedestal

In your dream, your long-lost father commands you to follow him.\n\n[[Follow]]\n[[Dream something different]]\n[[Wake up]]

Story of your life.\n\nYou get battered and bruised until the ninjas stop walking.\n\nThey take you out of the bag and hand you some food. "Eat," the first ninja says.\n\n[[Eat|ninja_eat]]\n[[Escape]]\n[[Attack ninjas]]\n[[Use food]]

Your name is Joe.\n\n[[My name is Joe.|Joe]]\n[[My name is Steve.]]

You start blowing up trees and mountains and stuff.\n\nThen you accidently fire at a mirror.\n\nThe deathray bounces off of the mirror and hits you and you DIE.\n\n[[Back|ninja_take]]

You read and learn the UBER-SPELL.\n\nMany have attempted to find this spell, but they all died 'cause they were dumb.\n\n"This spell," your father says, "can only be used once. You must use it to destroy the evil wizard Chuck."\n\nThen he vanishes and you wake up.\n\n[[Leave inn]]\n[[Eat]]\n[[Duel Fred]]

It isn't. But you hurt Dmitri's feelings, so he summons a firedragon and it KILLS YOU.\n\n[[Back|Ask if you can be friends]]

All of the orcs blow up.\n\n[[Victory dance]]\n[[All of them?]]\n[[Get treasure]]

You're only supposed to use that on Chuck, moron.\n\nHis citadel is spell-proof. The Uber Spell bounces off of it and hits you.\n\nYou get sucked into a pocket dimension and DIE.\n\n[[Back|Lead the way...]]

All of the ninja-stars dissolve in your hands. But you still get the NINJA DEATHRAY!\n\n[[Use deathray to blow up stuff]]\n[[Go look for Chuck the Wizard]]

Nope, actually. There's still one left.\n\nHe looks irritated. Which is usual for an orc. \n\nHe grips his battleaxe. "Give me one reason not to kill you," he snarls.\n\n[[Aliens made me do it]]\n[[I'm actually an orc, so it's okay]]\n[[I'm on an epic quest and it's hard to quest when you're dead]]\n[[Because I'll cast another spell if you even think about swinging that thing]]

Nah... Guards aren't lie magical bats. Doesn't work here.\n\nInstead of letting you be a "best buddy", they poke you with spears. \n\nEventually, they get bored and stab you. You DIE.\n\n[[Back|Enter citadel]]