Thick as a Kickstarter


(Re-posted as a Kickstarter Update)

The Minstrels in the Gallery

In ages past, bards and mad prophets told epic tales of No Pineapple Left Behind from the mead-halls of frigid Nordaustlandet. Below are some excerpts:

“Oh gosh, I love this concept – enough even to swallow my frustration with the fiddly neediness of management games, just for the catharsis of such a valuable point being so smartly made.”

–John Walker, RockPaperShotgun

“Friends, our federal education policy has reached [such] absurdity and stupidity and child abuse that the best way to explain it is through satire.” 

Diane Ravitch

War Children

Following the Acerbic Apricot and Bellicose Blueberry, the Corrosive Currant build of No Pineapple Left Behind (b. 2014 C.E.) was the most technically advanced pineapple school simulator when the Kickstarter Campaign launched. Tragically, it was not without flaws. The art aesthetic needed revising (discussed in the previous chapter), the game crashed before completing one school week, and sometimes everything didn’t work for no good reason.

errors

Source: British Museum

Most importantly, the Corrosive Currant build lacked children. Accordingly, Subaltern Games began to plan children for the upcoming Dimorphic Datepalm build.

Children, as promised, would work very differently from pineapples. Each child would have three secret quests that they attempted to achieve. A teacher could cast a micro-spell to either help the quest succeed to or let it fail. “Forming a Band” was posited as a sample quest; on success, the child was happy but had lower grades; on failure, the child lost human points and started becoming a pineapple again.

Below, an early manuscript detailing the plans:

Source: Boston Herald

Source: Boston Herald

Thick as a Kickstarter

Meanwhile, No Pineapple Left Behind approached $10K–quite a sum of money, but still far from the $35K target. Subaltern Games implored you to help spread the word about the Kickstarter.

Like Isaac Newton, No Pineapple Left Behind stood on the shoulders of giants. UnlikeIsaac Newton, this was not a subtle dig at Robert Hooke, but rather other Kickstarter campaigns:

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Fortune’s Tavern was an RPG tavern simulator that offered an alternative working-class perspective to the standard narrative of entering a tavern and stealing every item that can fit in your inventory.

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The Land of Eyas Returns was a game about tricky puzzles and gravitational defiance.

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Monster Mansion was a very pretty-looking table top game about killing monsters and escaping from mansions and getting power-ups.

Key Vocab Words

Children: Trouble

Currant: Modern, up-to-date

Dimorphic: The second Animorphs book

Kickstarter Campaign: That thing you should be pledging money to, right now

You: Yes, YOU!

Study Questions

There are elephants and lions too in Piccadilly Circus.

A) True

B) False

Which of the following was NOT part of the Ottoman Tanzimat reforms?

A) The establishment of railway networks

B) Establishment of universities and schools

C) Exchanging of ambassadors with European powers

D) Establishment of the Janissaries

E) Abolition of slavery

No Pineapple Left Behind has raised $10K. Which of the following statements is true:

A) $10K < $35K

B) $10K > $35K

C) I will tell all of my friends and acquaintances about this project!

D) Both A) and C)

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